BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

It is summer, and once again, my husband is pushing me to plan our annual “vacation.” He is into these two-to-three week marathon driving tours and his goal is to cover all the continental states by the time the kids go to college. The kids are 13 and 15. We mostly camp (tent camp or, on a good night, a KOA mini-cabin). We move every two nights, and every day is a push to see and do it all. It’s all about his agenda, and what he thinks we should do. We are crammed into a car (not even a mini-van). For me, it is “hell on wheels” and so NOT a vacation.

I get like carsick (more an image) every time I think of it. The kids do not want to do this again. They have their own friends and camps and plans. We try to say so to him, but he brushes us off, like he can’t believe that we are serious. He keeps thinking that the family is just like when the kids were 4 and 6 and did whatever Daddy wanted and were happy.

Don’t Make Me Go

Dear “Don’t Make Me Go” –

Some dreams die hard. Obviously, your husband has a dream, a plan, for how he will bond with his family and give the kids something to remember when they are older. The positive is that he wants to be with the family. The negative is that he isn’t in touch with the reality (vs. fantasy) of his family.

First of all, you have to get his full attention. So, 1) write him a letter saying how you feel (while expressing appreciation for his intentions); 2) give it to him; 3) ask to meet with him at a restaurant to discuss the vacation issue and brainstorm a compromise. If he gets offended at the very concept of a compromise or alternative, you have a bigger problem and will need to look at this as a control issue and not just Dad’s idea of family fun. I’m a little concerned that you feel so strongly and yet have not expressed (or maybe you have) your feelings in a strong way. Are you intimidated? Are you comfortable speaking up when you have different needs? Can you deny your husband what he wants? Are you afraid of the consequences (emotional, pouting, cold shoulder, etc.)?

Most families (at least the healthy ones) make adjustments as children mature. What is fun at one age is less so later. Same for moms. So, my question is “What do you want from a vacation?” Make one list, then another. Then make a list of what is NOT a vacation for you. Get the kids to do the same. Not that you will all get what you desire, but at least you have a starting place. The reason cruises have become so popular is that they allow every family member to “self-design” while providing structured family time as well. They have become (given cost of gas, etc.) a reasonable option.

There may be a compromise. For example, I just got back from South Dakota. It was amazing … and I’d never thought of South Dakota as amazing. But it would be very easy to find a really comfortable cabin on a stream in the Black Hills and use it as a base for day trips to the Badlands, the reservations, Custer State Park (think buffalo herds, trail rides, swimming, etc.), Rapid City, Deadwood, North Dakota, Wyoming (all within a few hours). Alternate day-trip days with hang-out and relax days. This could be done in a wide variety of areas where several states intersect.

Another compromise is to do what YOU want since you have done what Dad wants for several years. This is YOUR year to plan. Or have an abbreviated road-trip and then you take a week to do what you want, with or without the family.

Solicit input from the kids. It is their vacation too, and everyone in the family should have a voice.

Let me know how it goes. But remember this: you do not have to get in the car. If your husband insists on a road-trip, you can stay home. Now, THAT would be a vacation!