BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

My mother is 71 years old and hates to go to the doctor. I recently talked her into making an appointment to have an area of skin on her neck looked at that I thought could be cancerous. She hadn't been to a doctor in three years.

She went to the appointment and they took her blood pressure. The nurse ran out of the room, got the doctor, who checked it again and it was very high. The doctor immediately ran out to get her a blood pressure pill. He explained to her that high blood pressure can cause heart attacks and strokes. She called me up and told me that she's never had any problems with her blood pressure and she's not going to take her medicine. The doctor had her come back in a few days later and her blood pressure was still very high.

She's now angry at me for talking her into going to the doctor in the first place. How do I handle this situation? I'm frustrated that many elderly parents say they don't want to be treated like children but then they act like 2-year-olds. I'm worried about her and she's made me feel like this is my fault.

Blaming Myself

Dear Blaming Myself:

No medical care for three years at age 71 is not the best strategy for longevity. Problems treated early fare much better than waiting until something requires emergency intervention.

However, fear is powerful as is denial. Together they can keep otherwise intelligent people from being sensible about their physical and emotional well being.

A few questions: Has your mom always been doctor phobic? Hospital phobic? (Which stops her from going to the doctor because he/she might want to put her in a hospital.) Why does she hate doctors so much? Did she know someone who died or came out worse from a hospitalization? Do you know the history of her resistence to medication? Knowing and appreciating "why" she feels as she does might make it easier to talk about her fears. Just telling her that her fear is stupid isn't going to have much impact.

There are almost always reasons (however illogical) why people have deep rooted fears and avoidance behaviors. Denial is also a means of not having to face bigger issues like mortality.

Whatever is going on, it is NOT your fault. You may need to get your validation and support from people other than your mom, however, and a support group for care-givers could provide just that. Check with your local hospital or Area Agency on Aging to see what is available.

While is a challenge, it is important to continue to try to get your mom the medical treatment she requires. ... while respecting her as an adult and not treating her like a 2-year-old. Enlist the support of a nurse or social worker so that you are not the only one giving advice. Then you can be understanding of her fears and not as much the enforcer. It may be that soemone else needs to graphically explain what could happen without medication (like how a person looks and functions after a stroke.) Fear of drooling in a wheelchair in a nursing home can be stronger than fear of doctors.

If you try logic, and get other professionals involved, and your mom is still irrationally and absolutely non-compliant, then you have limited options. One, you can assume that she is mentally impaired (i.e. early dementia?) because she is so resistent. Then you have to decide if you want to force treatment through legal means (a tough road.) Two, you can back off and allow her to make this choice for herself even if it seems self-destructive to you, and enjoy what time you have together. Medical treatment is not mandatory. Whichever route you choose, you will need support for yourself so you don't get trapped in the quicksand of guilt.

One last note: You are worried and you care. You want your mom to be healthy and live happily. There are adult children that would just say "Whatever" and walk away. So, in my book, that makes you a good daughter. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Susan