BoomerGirl Diary

Modesto, Calif. — Adultery.

It's such an ugly, stark word, much worse than "an affair" or "having a fling." And like a stone thrown into water, it can create years of rippling consequences spreading out to many people.

Because of the pain, distrust and other issues that arise with adultery, many people, even those with a deep faith, choose to move on rather than confront and work through the problems.

But the adultery could be a springboard to a better marriage, said Sherman Glenn, a marriage and family therapist in Turlock.

"If you approach an adulterous marriage with good, wise counsel, you not only save the marriage but make it better than it was before," Glenn said. "It's very difficult, but not as difficult as going through a divorce, especially with children, where the damage is so much worse and the ripples go out through a lifetime."

Glenn counseled Gary and Mona Shriver of Turlock, Calif., after Gary confessed in 1993 that he had been having a three-year affair. Their work on their own marriage and the discovery that there is a dearth of help to couples recovering from adultery led to the publication of a book, "Unfaithful," and to the creation of a support group ministry called "Hope & Healing."

This is their story:

Gary: "How does a Christian man have an affair for three years? Mona and I weren't fighting. It was just that both of us were going a million miles an hour. There's never a good enough reason for adultery, but we (discovered in counseling) we had time for ministry. We had time for soccer. We had time for everything except us. It left me vulnerable."

A Christian co-worker confronted Gary. "He thought I was in sin and had to do something about it. That's when I called my senior pastor to make an appointment and see him. And then, of course, I had to tell my wife."

Mona: "Gary came home, sat on the end of the bed and confessed. I didn't have a clue. They were very, very good (at hiding the affair). My immediate reaction was absolute shock. Gary and I asked each other, `Do you want a divorce?' I knew my life would never, ever be the same again. I knew I would be going through hell. I knew I could work through it with Gary or without him. He decided to work on the marriage."

Gary: "If she was willing to work with this, I was absolutely sold on the relationship. I had dropped a bomb on our relationship and completely blew it apart."

Mona: "Our children were about 14, 10 and 7. Kids do not get over divorce. It really hurts them in the long run. So we started that long journey. We talked about counseling. I thought, `What's a counselor going to do, make it go away?' But we did find a good Christian counselor, and that was so important.

"There was a study done by (secular author Shirley Glass) on marriage. Adultery is the second hardest thing to recover from (physical abuse is number one). Because it's so huge, it's not fun to go through the recovery process. The wound's still sitting there like a big pus pocket. Before the adultery, I would have told you that he wouldn't cheat because he was too stupid and I would know. Now I trust him, not blindly, but because we've worked over the years to build that trust."

Gary: "A major need surfaced in us. It was when Mona and I both wanted so desperately to sit across from another couple who had been down that path who could assure us that we could get through this because they did and now had a marriage worth saving, based on trust and intimacy. We went to our counselor (Sherman Glenn), who has worked with thousands of couples, and he could find no one to step out of the shadows and help us. We didn't know if we could heal; we only heard about couples who divorced.

"After about a year of counseling, he released us and said we were stabilized and could move into an on-call basis. Another year passed, and the phone rang. It was Sherman. He said, `Do you remember that heartfelt need for that other couple? Are you willing to be that couple for someone else?' We said no. Now we knew why others wanted to hide. You don't want to live in that valley. You don't want to tear those scabs off.

"But then Mona and I talked and said, `If no one does this, who's going to help?' We decided to be Jesus with skin on for these other people. You really need that because you're so devastated in those early stages of adultery recovery."

Mona: "We have learned that not everyone agrees on the proper ways to recover from adultery. How much do you talk about? How much do you reveal? But we found there were nine or 10 areas we as couples needed to work through. That's what the (Hope & Healing) group focuses on. We have couples tell us we're often the only voice they hear that says it's worth going through the pain and the agony of the healing process. Most friends and relatives tell them it's too big a wound to keep trying. Even in the church, they hear it's time to move on."

Gary: "Hope & Healing is just coming alongside couples with the hope of Christ. We're not doing anything magic. We're just bringing them into an environment to say, hey, here are some people further down the road who have trust, intimacy and hope. At first they don't want to come. By the end, they don't want to leave."

Mona: "You're not looking to get to a perfect marriage, because there is no such thing. You're trying to get to a relationship where there's love, trust, respect and intimacy. Then when an issue comes up, you handle it. The difference is that after recovery, you'll still have issues, but you'll handle it appropriately."

Gary: "Our mantra going through this was, `We're not going back there, no matter what the price.' We both had to learn a lot of communication skills. Prior to the adultery, we didn't think we were vulnerable to this. We were very active in our church. Temptation never came knocking at the door.

"Then I found there were areas in my life I needed to change. I don't have friendships with women_we have couple friendships, but neither of us has a deep friendship with someone of the opposite sex. I don't flirt anymore. I realize where it can go."

Mona: "The other key is absolute and total honesty, but not to be used as a weapon. Deception is the hallmark of adultery. That's the biggest hurdle to get around."

Gary: "Helping rebuild the trust meant being transparent about everything. We talked about things that were hurting Mona, and down the road she could see I was becoming a different person. I try to live my life so that if I were to die today and she would go to my desk or be on my computer, she would never question it. If I ever get an e-mail from a female that might seem even a little too friendly, I forward it to her. I don't want anything she could construe as questionable."

Mona: "I struggled with my anger issues. That's part of the support group. You have a right to those feelings. But that's why we tell people to have professional counseling. Part of the difficulty of the (recovery) process for me was that I seriously thought about getting drunk and picking up somebody so I would know what it was like to commit adultery. Thankfully, those were fleeting thoughts. God didn't allow that to happen."

Gary: "You can go into this adultery process two ways_men can say, `Get over it, honey. It's over.' But then the husband doesn't have the chance to see the wife go through the processing. They don't want to talk about it and it's just kind of spackled over, and then_we see this all the time_he has another affair.

"When we processed it, I saw the pain that I caused the person I love. I held her at night as she cried herself to sleep. I am never going there again. That's one of the hugest hedges I have, the memory of what we went through together. I am not going to have (another) affair; I know what it costs."

How many people deal with this issue?

Gary: "Barna (Group) research says 25 percent of people, whether in church or unchurched, have or will go through adultery. Most put it much, much higher."

Mona: "The first response we get from churches is `Where are these couples?' We say they're sitting right next to you in the pew. They have smiles on their faces and acting like nothing is wrong. There's so much shame and guilt involved with this, and they feel as if they would be ostracized in their church if this gets out. Then they go home and pull their curtains and die."

Instead, said Sherman Glenn, "Churches should offer a safe haven, give them a place to heal and provide support to people who want to heal. Make it safe for them to process their shame and guilt. What is the blood of Christ all about? To take away the shame and the guilt and make that person who God wants them to be."