BoomerGirl Diary

I love re-reading my favorite children’s books; ones like Lewis Carroll’s ‘Through the Looking Glass.’

Do you remember the part where Alice meets the Cheshire cat?

“Would you please tell me which way I ought to go from here?” she asked.

“That depends on where you want to get to,” the cat replied.

“I don’t care much where,” she answered.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” the cat responded.

It reminds me of the time my husband and I stopped the car on a tiny road in Ireland and asked the old farmer the directions to Avoca.

“Well,” he said, scratching his head. “If I was trying to get there, I wouldn’t start from here.”

I don’t know about you, but I often feel as if I am back on that road in Ireland, or at the same place as Alice. When I was younger, I seemed clear about my life’s direction, and sure about most of the decisions I had to make. I had no doubt that becoming a nun was part of God’s plan for me. When faced with the choice of becoming a social worker or a teacher, I pondered for a short time and knew teaching was the profession for me.

Later, as I struggled with whether I should remain a nun, I did an Alice and sought advice. I met with several spiritual directors hoping they would tell me I needed to remain in the Congregation (after all I had stayed for over twenty-five years and why change habits now?) In my heart, I knew that part of my soul would shrivel if I remained. After nearly five years of questioning and hoping to get the answer from others, a priest said to me:

“Eileen you are looking for all the reasons to remain when you know in your heart you need to leave. Listen to your heart.”

He was right.

Five years later, when I met my husband, my clarity — helped by hormones — was sharp. In spite of warnings from some members of my family and friends about “giving up everything to move to Kansas of all places,” I knew I was going in the right direction.

In recent years I find myself struggling and floundering about the next stage of my journey. Like Alice, I’ve been asking:

“Which way ought I to go from here?”

I know many of you empty-nesters have asked yourselves similar questions, and some of you have successfully carved out a new niche and direction for yourselves. Some of you have embarked on things you postponed earlier in life in order to concentrate on your family. Some of you have taken early retirement, while others are unsure about such a step.

A recently divorced friend is looking to re-direct her life.

“I’m not really sure of where I should go from here,” she told me.

“What does your heart tell you?” I asked.

My question bounced back to me. Don’t you hate it when that happens to you? I realized I needed to listen to my own heart. I know it sounds simple enough, but I’m finding the ears to my heart seem more clogged these days.

I wish I could tell you I’m now sure about the direction of the next stage of my life. I’m still gazing at the looking glass taking stock of who I see. I’m trying to look into my heart and deep into my soul. I’m attempting to move into the well of silence — to that place where I need to simply sit with the questions; ones with echoes from the past, but with a different cadence. They come tempered with the tones of experience gained in the School of Life.

I’m learning that the question is not so much, where am I going and how will I get there, it’s more — here I am, so WHO am I now and WHO am I becoming? What song does my soul want to sing? What new beat does my body need to sway to? I’ve spent so much time worrying about what I should DO next and where I ought to GO, that I’ve lost sight of simply being and allowing myself to adapt to the new rhythms of aging and the blended patterns emerging in this season of my life. I’m trying to spend more time sitting still, reflecting, listening to my heart, and just trying to BE. I have a sense that if I can remain here a little while, I will find my answers and direction.

How have you found balance between doing and being?

What helps you to listen to your heart?

What has helped you find re-direction in your life or are you still searching for it?