BoomerGirl Diary

We were on our first date and he had taken me to a charming and lively Italian restaurant where the waiters sang and there was the constant sound of forks clanging and glasses clinking. I had a few sips of wine with my linguine arrabbiata and noticed he had ordered a Diet Coke. After dinner, he took me to a cozy beachside bar where he proceeded to order himself another soda and, without asking me what I wanted, ordered me a Shirley Temple.

And that, my friends, is what we call a deal breaker.

In the business world, a deal breaker is the one non-negotiable term that, if not agreed to, means the deal is off. It applies to the dating world as well: A deal breaker can be a characteristic or trait about a person that we can't accept as part of the "deal," or relationship.

There are the superficial deal breakers when you first meet someone ("He doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom!") and the bigger deal breakers that you just can't get past when in a relationship ("Dude, she has six kids!").

Back to Mr. Shirley Temple. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to date an alcoholic. But if a guy doesn't drink socially, is it bad of me that the words "flaccid" and "boring" come to mind? On top of that, he didn't even let me order for myself. Also, he wore a gold chain necklace. No bueno.

Another time, I met a guy who didn't like to eat ethnic foods, sushi in particular (which is my favorite, and as I'm a foodie it's pretty much my dating barometer). If a guy doesn't enjoy or at least isn't open to trying ethnic foods, I peg him as someone who's not open to trying different things and not interested in learning about other cultures.

"It's a deal breaker when they take you to a chain restaurant on your first date," declared a girlfriend of mine.

Another gal pal chimed in: "I can't date someone who doesn't actively participate in the world or isn't aware of his role in the world ... a nonvoter is a deal breaker for sure."

The topic recently prompted a healthy discussion on Yelp.com, a popular networking site where 617 comments were posted on the matter. Responses ran the gamut from "bad kissers, ugly tattoos, super-religious, if the guy doesn't pay on the first date" to "wimpy handshakes, bad spelling/bad grammar and girls who own designer (purses)."

"All relationships are arrangements based on a variety of emotional and sexual needs," said Bethany Marshall, a psychoanalyst and author of "Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away."

When something deemed bad happens on the first date or first few years of a relationship, you have to ask, 'Is this indicative of other (relationship) problems?'" said Marshall, who is based in Beverly Hills and recently appeared on "Good Morning America."

According to Marshall, cheating and being cheap are some of the most common deal breakers.

For women, lack of reciprocal emotional investment is another big one.

"If you're working harder to make the relationship work than the guy, that's a deal breaker," she said. "And if you're more focused on the future than the present, and the future is all you can hope for, that's a deal breaker."

For men, typical deal breakers involve women who are "high-maintenance," "drama queens" or "psycho."

All of those terms can mean different things, according to Marshall. The term "high-maintenance" can be a devaluing thing to say about a woman, an attack on her femininity and the efforts she makes. Or it can refer to a woman's emotional state, a woman who is needy, demanding and has a profound separation anxiety. A man might also call a woman high-maintenance if he feels he can't afford her. "Psycho" might be a men's code word to describe a woman's borderline personality, to describe a woman who falls apart if she perceives she's being abandoned.

If a patient comes into my office and says a woman is 'psycho,' I believe him," said Marshall. "Typically it's to describe a woman who is constantly falling apart and someone that the man always had to put back together."

Others say deal breakers and descriptions that raise red flags are sometimes just unnecessary labels.

"I'd definitely have to get to know a girl and find out for myself," said Rand Penrod of Costa Mesa, Calif.

"Someone who is high-maintenance would definitely raise a red flag," said Victor Vinson, 46, of Huntington Beach, Calif., "if it's someone who needs a lot of attention and requires a lot of effort. But if you're in love, then I guess that doesn't matter."