BoomerGirl Diary

Of the many forms of intimacy — a smile across the room, a shared hardship, a family ritual, a kiss, a touch — sex is probably fraught with more confusion, unrealistic expectations, misunderstanding and disillusionment than any other.

Sex promises emotional fulfillment, security, reassurance and intimacy, even if it often fails to deliver. For both men and women, the pressure to perform sexually adds a burdensome demand to their bond. An emphasis on technique overlooks the fact that it is not about how you do it, but how you feel about the person you are doing it with.

Clinical exploration of sex has washed away a lot of ignorance and rigidity. But the concentration on sexual techniques and gimmicks cuts off many couples from true intimacy.

One example involves the experiences of Joan and Martin, both of whom have had their share of disappointing relationships.

Joan's experience

"The man in my last relationship never expressed any appreciation for me and rarely even kissed me. It was sex and no closeness. A few months of the same unaffectionate routine contaminated our sex life. Sex became a weapon in a power struggle.

"If I couldn't get him to respond to me as a person, to be tender and loving, I wasn't going to respond to him physically and emotionally. I started withholding sex or giving it and going through the motions."

Joan continues: "In my view, our sexual problems were really relationship problems that expressed themselves sexually. I think sex enjoyment is increased by how we act toward each other in all aspects of our lives together. Sex is part of the relationship; I don't see it as a separate entity."

Martin's say

"I agree with Joan. I feel sex is an integral part of a relationship. That's what makes it so gratifying. When Joan and I first became physically involved, I went through a few months of fear about how good she would think my performance was and how I compared to her other lovers. I was particularly plagued by imagined comparisons to her former partner"

Martin continues: "I also came into the situation with a backlog of negative reactions from my last relationship. Maybe in some relationships the sex stays good even if the relationship doesn't. Not in mine. Sex became terrible, and we both traded barbs in that area."

The turning point

"One night something interesting happened that has had a very positive effect," Martin says. "Joan was feeling sexier than I was, and she came on to me. I had a particularly grueling day and I wasn't really in the mood, but she snuggled up to me and I felt compelled to respond. Things didn't go too well, though. ... So I said to Joan, `I'm sorry.'

"Joan looked at me with love and tenderness and said, `Don't be sorry. You don't have to prove anything to me. I love you next to me, holding me, talking to me. You can touch me, kiss me. I love it! ... What I really want from you is that you are with me, that I feel the connection with you. That's what is important.'"

Happy ending

"From that time on my performance fears disappeared," Martin says. "Joan was right. Two people who basically love each other, who express good feelings toward each other, don't need to prove through sex that they're valuable people. All they have to do is relax, be real and enjoy each other."

The sex/intimacy puzzle

While there's no ready formula for connecting sexually, being able to "relax, be real and enjoy each other," as Martin put it, certainly helps. Some couples avoid this because they have no desire to be more intimate; they are smoldering with resentment, locked in wars of mutual withholding — in short, they like making sex unpleasant for their partner!

Others are unwilling to tolerate the discomfort of moving closer, no matter what the benefits. And still others are "emotionally divorced," staying with each other only for financial and social reasons.