BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

I’m divorced, two kids in college, and recently got engaged after 12 years as a single mom. Bill is a decent guy, very hardworking, cares about my kids, but he drinks. We just dated while the kids still lived at home, so I guess I didn’t notice it as much. Now that we’re living together, it seems like a lot more. I don’t mind a glass of wine with a meal out, or a few margaritas at a party, but my first husband was alcoholic. I’ve tried to say that I don’t like it, but he blows me off. Should I be worried about this?

Engaged but Wavering

Dear Engaged:

Yes. Worry is a normal, healthy response when we have a concern that is being “blown off.” When that concern is about alcohol or drugs, then worry is even more appropriate. However, worrying won’t make it go away, won’t fix it, and leaves you stewing.

Let’s get some data: What is “a lot more?” I ask because, when we have a history with someone alcoholic (like a parent or spouse), we tend to be much more reactive to alcohol use. And if Bill comes from a family where a few drinks a day is a norm, or drinking is an accepted part of every social event, he may not be able to appreciate why you are concerned. So, to give you decent advice, I need more data.

Answer these questions: Does he drink every day and can’t seem to manage a day without drinking? Does anything serve as a reason or excuse to drink (good day, bad, TGIF, football, any ball, nothing much else to do)? Does he hold it together during the week with one or two drinks but then start drinking early or drink heavily on weekends? Does he get defensive if you even want to talk about his drinking? Is alcohol a part of every social contact? Is he moody or irritable if he goes a day or a few days without drinking?

Are you nodding “yes”? Then there is a problem. It may be his drinking. It may also be your ability to calmly and effectively communicate your concerns and not get “blown off.” We still don’t know whether he would willingly adjust his drinking behaviors if he understood the seriousness of your concerns. And I’m not clear on whether you know your own “bottom line.” Is this a relationship-breaker? Do you need for him to stop drinking completely? To just curtail his drinking? What will it take for you to relax and feel safe?

Now ask yourself if your focus on this one issue clouds your ability to see the rest of the relationship clearly? Are there other issues that would “worry” you if this one were to be resolved? Do you tip-toe around Bill when he is drinking? Is the very topic of his drinking off-limits? Are there any other off-limits topics? Do you find yourself counting his drinks, and does that number affect how you relate to him? Does his alcohol use affect your desire or ability to be intimate?

We can’t talk to someone about their drinking when they're smack in the middle of it. So, don’t even try. Wait until he is cold sober. Don’t blindside him but tell him that you want to talk and ask when would be a good time. If he refuses, don’t give up. Try sending him a letter. Tell him you love him but are worried, and then spell out why. Explain how you think the alcohol is negatively affecting your trust and the relationship.

If Bill won’t talk, does not respond to your letter, and refuses to discuss your concerns, then you have a big problem. It will not resolve on its own. You cannot marry someone who won’t even talk to you when you are worried and scared. You’ve walked down this road before and you don’t need to do it again.