BoomerGirl Diary

Sometimes I think that kids get a bum rap on Mother’s Day. Everybody sends cards and gives gifts to mothers. But really kids probably do more for their mothers than their mothers ever did for them. Can you ever really appreciate the impact of kids if you let them in and give them the right to get under your skin? I think of the greatest events of my life: getting married, having children, and KU winning the Final 4. Granted other milestones certainly are important to me and memorable: graduations, weddings, celebrations, the births of our grandchildren and my great niece. But most of these milestones relate to my kids who really changed my life.

One great thing about kids is that they are exciting and unpredictable. You never know what will happen when you wake up that day. Today may be the day that Zach walks or it could be the day that one of the kids trips with a glass of hot chocolate that splashes all over the walls and the book shelves. Or it could be the day that Arna figures how to get over the fence and into the yard next door. Even the bad things that happen—one of the kids gets lost in a department store and is found laughing under a display of ladies summer dresses. Or your five year old son punches a ten year old who is determined to beat him up until you separate them.

Or you chase down a teenager who is riding off with your seven year old’s bicycle and you’re cussing your head off, but you do catch him and get the bike back. Or the basketball goes into a bee hive and your son comes out with the ball and hundreds of bee stings. Or your toddler lets the bird out of his cage and you and your kindergartener are chasing the bird all over the house with towels on your heads. These daily disasters are not just entertaining, but they remind you that life is full of fun and variety.

But it’s not just at home that your kids gently focus your life. Dealing with schools begins a process that goes into the teenage years. You always have to be on your toes and depend on your own judgment. I’ll never forget the day Arna’s preschool teacher was extremely solicitous to me. This was a change since she had reported a variety of “problems” with my son: he came to school with muddy shoes; he talked too much and too loud; and he asked personal questions. You learn quickly not to take teacher’s concerns too seriously. Anyhow, her gracious attitude lasted two days. Then came some righteous indignation.

“Your son told me that his father had been fired from his job.”

“How did you know it wasn’t true?”

“When he told me that his dad was thinking about being a fireman…”

As a responsible parent I asked Arna why he perpetrated this story. Arna told me, “The teacher was so nice to me for a few days.”

You quickly realize that your funny, talkative, active kids may not be everybody’s cup of tea. A teacher, like so many other people in your life, has her own perspective on things. She also wields lots of power over your kid. I leaned new self control and to be careful.

I sensed that not doing or saying anything might be the way to go in many, many situations at these schools and by the way, in my job as a lecturer at the local community college. Every once in a while—when the only music teacher at his elementary school told my son she “never” wanted to see him again or when a junior high teacher once told my son she was going to fail him for his “bad attitude”—I did intervene, but at a cost, I have to admit.

You may see yourself changing because of your kids and maybe it’s more than retiring your “Boogie Till You Puke” t-shirt. It’s probably worth it. Kids have another great thing about them. Because of your kid, you as a mother experience moments of pure joy. Now it might be as brief as your kid who has tried for six games finally gets a hit in t-ball or it could be the firsts. The first step, the first word, the first day of school, the first book, or a long list of firsts. One of my favorites is the first real ride on a two-wheeler. Arna was so determined to ride a two-wheel bike. I would feel sick when I watched him careening around and falling down over and over again. He had a hard time because he wore a corrective patch on one eye. It didn’t help that he was determined to ride a two-wheeler when he was only 4 years old. The sidewalk looked so wide, but suddenly he’d be in the grass and crashing towards the street. We finally spent hours at a baseball field and I’ll never forget his first trip without falling. His older brother, his cousin, and I were screaming and yelling like he’d won the game. And all he’d done was ride his bike from home plate to first base. I still get a chill when I think of it.

It’s not just bikes or sports that give you a thrill. You know how much your kid has worked or practiced on something, and then he shows it to you. I remember a story that our son wrote about a runaway orphan through many twists and turns who eventually finds his real father. Or the speech that one of the kids made on “How to Make the Perfect Hamburger” with props for a 4-H contest. Or Arna’s story about finding old secret weapons in the KU football stadium when it was being renovated. As you read the story or listen to the speech, you see your kid’s mind working and putting ideas together. It’s a special feeling.

Of course there are events and milestones. You snap a picture of a graduation and then that picture brings back the basketball games, the band concerts, the plays, the soccer games, the poetry readings, the original movies, the newspaper articles, and the proms.

The strangest aspect of kids though might be re-living some of your worse memories. When your kid is upset about his friends being mean to him on the playground, it all comes back. Then you get to be wise. You tell your kid how to deal with it and then you may realize that life isn’t so different than that old playground. Sometimes it’s tough and sometimes the only thing you can do is wait until next year or hope that things will get better.

Kids teach you to try harder, to do things you’d never do. I remember once we missed the sign-up time for baseball. My son wanted to play badly. So I called up the head of the program and begged him to accept my son’s slightly late application. I explained that he missed it all--the sign-up, the tryouts-- but he truly wanted to play. The man in charge agreed to assign him to a team. Unless I was his mother, I would have never asked for this consideration, but you do things for your kids. And you find out that it’s worth it to fight for something I have done other hard things for my kids, things that I did not want to do, but they were right or necessary. Kids make you stronger and more focused on what’s important at the time.

You think more clearly when a teacher calls to complain about your child’s attitude or behavior, especially when you know the person is wrong. I remember a fifth grade teacher who punished students for bad behavior by making them sit on a wall during recess. The same teacher let the class “vote on” whether to go outside for recess. I argued with her. My point was that on the one hand missing recess was a punishment and that on the other hand the kids could “vote” to keep the kids from playground time Could this ever be fair? I lost the argument all year, but at least I tried.

But all the lessons kids teach and all the character you may be building in yourself because of your kids pales when you survive adolescence. No matter how good your kid is through his teenage years, you are a different person at the end. I see why some marriages do not survive adolescence. The tests are daily and you never know what will happen. It’s almost like the early years. It’s unpredictable. There’s joy and sorrow. I remember one very awful night when one of our kids got mad and took off on his bike. I was worried as it got darker and later. I didn’t know where he went, how long he’d be gone, and what he’d do. Finally our daughter called to tell us that he and his bike were with her.

I felt such great relief. I’d already forgotten what we’d argued about. But I’ll never forget that feeling of inadequacy and regret: could I have handled things better? Was I too mean? Why did I make it such an issue? You really question yourself and your values. There are moments of great frustration: why can’t your kid be more careful? Why can’t he just do what I want him to do? Half the time I’ve been mad it boils down to this: why can’t I make you 100% safe? Why do you have to be on your own now when you may make a dumb mistake?

As a parent of an adolescent, you learn that you can’t control everything or even most things. You must believe in your kid and hope that things will work out. You’ve tried your best and now your kids are out there. They have entertained you, thrilled you, and strengthened you. Among other things, you’ve developed a backbone, patience, and tolerance. You have learned to act, even when it’s hard.

Thanks kids. I’ll send you a card for Mother’s Day. I’m honored to be your mother, but mostly I’m better because of you.